2004-01-14 - 11:41 a.m.
My voice.Looking for my voice. Desperately searching for my voice. to speak to be heard to do something. Last night some one was telling me that I should try to find my own voice in regard to my writing and I thought about it and thought about it and thought about it some more and that's when it hit me. I need to find my own voice in everything every where. Now trust me any one that knows me knows that I have a voice, one that can work non stop for hours at a time (especially if the conversation is about politics and/or religion), but that doesn't mean I have a "voice". Speaking is easy we start doing that at like one right with no lessons or anything. We learn to ape those around us and start babbling things that we probably don't really understand yet at such an early age, but it makes our parents/elders smile and show us some loving so "MAMAMAMAMAMAMA DADADADADADADADA!!! Yea look at me I'm talking, but do I have a voice yet? No. And still I don't have one. I need style flare that little extra something that makes me me. I've thought about taping myself because when I'm just talking I don't think so much about my audience and just say what comes to my mind.Freedoom. My thoughts free to spill out upon the universe free to fly and soar with all the other weird thoughts that seem to get trapped in the upper atmosphere where it can do the least damage. But then I thought to myself self you'll look like an idiot standing there talking into a tape recorder and spewing insanities that no one will probably understand anyway. That's my other problem worry. I worry way to much and no I don't think I worry paxil enough, or at least I think paxil is what they give you now a days for anxiety but maybe it's xanex or something. I don't know. You'de figure with all those drug commercials on tv I would remember what drug I should almost be on just in case one day I have to tell my doctor to prescribe it to me. Self diagnosis is the best of course why else would they tell us on tv to tell our doctors what drugs we need. Anyway back to me looking foolish. That's most of my problem right there. Thinking I'm going to look foolish or people will deem me foolish after reading my actual writings. You know they'll read my stuff and think to themselves selves she's a fool to think she has any talent etc. Even with my acting I have to learn to let go more. Every one I know and have known has always told me that I have the raw talent to make it as an actress if I got disciplined enough and just put my head to it. So what did I do I moved to Florida to ensure I could never fail at what I love almost most, well most of those intangible things. Other then that I love my wife the most most most of course, and to say any less would start an argument.LOL Just kidding I love you baby more then words could ever express and more then the universe could ever reach. But back to me me me me which is what it should always be about. Now I'm of course kidding for the most part. So Florida the land of opportunity in theater is where I reside, again to avoid failure. So by avoiding failure I in essence fail what an irony hugh. The mind of HB forever trapped within the walls of irony. just call me an "oxy" "moron". But when we move back to New York I have vowed to try to get to an audition a month and see what happens, but not until I find my flare. You know the flare of no care. That I'm good because I know and say I am regardless of what others eyes and mumbles might say. Perhaps when I don't care how I'm heard my voice will find itself working it's way up my throat and out into the atmosphere, but until then I'll keep an eye out.
Later Days!!!!
Blessed Be!!!!
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